dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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