i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
