i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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