I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
