I'm lost and stupid without you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
