I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
