Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I want to fling myself into the sun
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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