I wish I could teleport
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize