My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
