Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
