You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
