i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
