He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
