woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
