Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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