he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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