did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
