i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I need to align my fucking chakras
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