Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
