New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
