Can Purell be used as lube?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
