My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
