so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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