I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
