yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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