Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
