Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
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I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
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I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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