Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
