I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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