So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
