Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
