Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
