The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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