guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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