My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
