I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i wish my penis had a tongue
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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