I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
