my phone needs a breathalizer
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
