My cat gives me a boner
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
