i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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