I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
