Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
