Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
