My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
