Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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