I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
