So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
