GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
