Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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