Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My feet surprised me
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
