I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I need to calm my uterus...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
