I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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