You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
