Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
