Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
