so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
