I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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